Since moving back in with my mom, I've sort of given up on "Happily
Ever After" and have instead traded it in for "Happily Get Rid of it
All".
I've been steadily clearing "stuff" out of my life, out of the small closet in my mom's room, anywhere else I've crammed my belongings into my mom's house, anything I've moved to my camper (to get it out of the way while cleaning other stuff and/or to take photos of and store for online selling), and my storage unit.
I've moved SO many times in my adult life, always chasing Happily Ever After. I've carried a lot of JUNK around the country with me. A full desktop with a CRT monitor, hundreds of books, craft supplies (for crafts I don't do), personal journals, furniture, clothes, more books, sentimental items, sentimental books. And yet: the relationships I was trying to make work, all the stuff I toted around to help me cement my personality, my footprint, into the world- none of it lasted, and none of it made me (ultimately) happy.
This last move was a real blow to me, though. I hadn't even been looking for love, and then he came along. For the first time in my entire life, I actually had my shit together. I had my own place. I had a nice, well-paying job that I really enjoyed. I'd finally graduated from living in boxes to trying to, finally, make somewhere Home. But then my romantic fantasies were triggered, and I'd finally found The One.
Obviously, since I'm writing this, he wasn't the One, just a one. And now, that fantasy of finding the One, living Happily Ever After, seems more of a delusion to me. There IS no "One"- there is only me, and I've been avoiding her all my life. Relationships, holding onto stuff I don't need: the former has brought me experiences I wouldn't trade for the world; it's brought me to this place I am now, and I wouldn't change that for anything (in spite of all of the days I go through still depressed). The latter equals tangible proof of my exertion to make myself happy. Most of it is simply baggage of things I don't really like or enjoy, of memories that force me to hold onto the past, live in it- almost literally with all of the reminders all around me, and to live in the future: things I'm always GOING to do, books I'm going to read, clothes I'm going to wear, projects I'm going to craft.
Screw that. WHO THE FUCK AM I NOW??? I only have the vaguest of ideas, but I know that I am not this stuff I have been holding onto as though it meant something.
How does this tie into hiking with my dog? Because all of this is a need I feel down in my bones. I need to live a simpler life. I've kept myself cooped up indoors, in my comfort zone, for far too long. Humans weren't mean for this much being indoors. I've lost my connection to outside, where I've always found comfort, peace of mine, oneness with myself.
My goals are as follows:
1. Get rid of any physical items in my life that do not bring me JOY*.
2. Finish fixing up my camper**.
3. Continue to limit, as much as I can, any stressors in my life.
4. Set an example for my kids, and inspire my mom.
5. Spend as much time outdoors as possible, with Dexter.
6. After the superfluous has been erased from my life, whatever remains must be ME. (And, ergo, when I have figured that one out, 1) I won't need a relationship and/or 2) I will be in the best possible place to engage in a relationship. But, for the length of this project, let's act like #2 isn't a thing at all.)
*The Konmari Method, as read about in Marie Kondo's The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up, has had an impressive impact on my life. (Not an affiliate link) Seriously, if you haven't read it, you should.
**I will be posting more information about this project of mine. As I sit here thinking about it, I think this whole blog is going to tie in together just fine. There have been several topics I've wanted to blog about: camper fixing-up, minimizing my life, hiking, finding myself, and ballet. Ballet gets it's own blog, and the other topics form the rest of the whole. Perfect!
I've been steadily clearing "stuff" out of my life, out of the small closet in my mom's room, anywhere else I've crammed my belongings into my mom's house, anything I've moved to my camper (to get it out of the way while cleaning other stuff and/or to take photos of and store for online selling), and my storage unit.
I've moved SO many times in my adult life, always chasing Happily Ever After. I've carried a lot of JUNK around the country with me. A full desktop with a CRT monitor, hundreds of books, craft supplies (for crafts I don't do), personal journals, furniture, clothes, more books, sentimental items, sentimental books. And yet: the relationships I was trying to make work, all the stuff I toted around to help me cement my personality, my footprint, into the world- none of it lasted, and none of it made me (ultimately) happy.
This last move was a real blow to me, though. I hadn't even been looking for love, and then he came along. For the first time in my entire life, I actually had my shit together. I had my own place. I had a nice, well-paying job that I really enjoyed. I'd finally graduated from living in boxes to trying to, finally, make somewhere Home. But then my romantic fantasies were triggered, and I'd finally found The One.
Obviously, since I'm writing this, he wasn't the One, just a one. And now, that fantasy of finding the One, living Happily Ever After, seems more of a delusion to me. There IS no "One"- there is only me, and I've been avoiding her all my life. Relationships, holding onto stuff I don't need: the former has brought me experiences I wouldn't trade for the world; it's brought me to this place I am now, and I wouldn't change that for anything (in spite of all of the days I go through still depressed). The latter equals tangible proof of my exertion to make myself happy. Most of it is simply baggage of things I don't really like or enjoy, of memories that force me to hold onto the past, live in it- almost literally with all of the reminders all around me, and to live in the future: things I'm always GOING to do, books I'm going to read, clothes I'm going to wear, projects I'm going to craft.
Screw that. WHO THE FUCK AM I NOW??? I only have the vaguest of ideas, but I know that I am not this stuff I have been holding onto as though it meant something.
How does this tie into hiking with my dog? Because all of this is a need I feel down in my bones. I need to live a simpler life. I've kept myself cooped up indoors, in my comfort zone, for far too long. Humans weren't mean for this much being indoors. I've lost my connection to outside, where I've always found comfort, peace of mine, oneness with myself.
My goals are as follows:
1. Get rid of any physical items in my life that do not bring me JOY*.
2. Finish fixing up my camper**.
3. Continue to limit, as much as I can, any stressors in my life.
4. Set an example for my kids, and inspire my mom.
5. Spend as much time outdoors as possible, with Dexter.
6. After the superfluous has been erased from my life, whatever remains must be ME. (And, ergo, when I have figured that one out, 1) I won't need a relationship and/or 2) I will be in the best possible place to engage in a relationship. But, for the length of this project, let's act like #2 isn't a thing at all.)
*The Konmari Method, as read about in Marie Kondo's The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up, has had an impressive impact on my life. (Not an affiliate link) Seriously, if you haven't read it, you should.
**I will be posting more information about this project of mine. As I sit here thinking about it, I think this whole blog is going to tie in together just fine. There have been several topics I've wanted to blog about: camper fixing-up, minimizing my life, hiking, finding myself, and ballet. Ballet gets it's own blog, and the other topics form the rest of the whole. Perfect!
No comments:
Post a Comment